Delivered From People Pleasing: How I Found the Courage to Be Disliked

For a long time, I thought being kind meant being agreeable. Being loving meant being available. Being safe meant being liked.

Until one day, after standing up for myself again and again — after speaking so many no’s — a random man in France told me I wasn’t “nice” because I didn’t stop walking when he asked me to. He wanted to tell me something. I didn’t want to receive it.

And just like that, something in me settled.

I officially declare myself delivered from people pleasing.

Not angry. Not hardened. Just done abandoning myself to protect other people’s comfort.

The Courage to Be Disliked

The biggest shift in my healing journey wasn’t learning how to communicate better, soften my tone, or explain myself more clearly.

It was this:

I learned how to tolerate being disliked.

That courage didn’t arrive overnight. It came after years of swallowing words, shrinking my presence, over-functioning in relationships, and confusing endurance with love.

It came when I realized that no matter how kind, flexible, or accommodating I was — some people would still be displeased.

So I stopped performing goodness. And I started practicing truth.

Why People Pleasing Keeps You Stuck on One Side of the Spectrum

People pleasers tend to live on one extreme of the emotional spectrum:

• afraid to hurt others

• terrified of rejection

• over-responsible for other people’s feelings

• choosing being the doormat instead of the walker

I lived there for years.

But healing doesn’t happen at extremes. Healing happens in the middle.

And to reach the middle, I had to walk to the other side.

Meeting My Shadow: Allowing Eny to Take Up Space

That’s when I allowed Eny to come forward.

Eny is my teenage self. She’s playful, colorful, expressive — and unapologetically self-protective.

She is “careless” only in one specific way:she doesn’t give a fuck as long as she’s not being harmed.

And that distinction changed everything.

Because people pleasing isn’t kindness. It's fear disguised as goodness.

My shadow wasn’t cruel. She was honest. She was boundaried. She was alive.

Why Going to the Other Extreme Is Sometimes Necessary

Here’s what I tell recovering people pleasers:

To find balance, you may need to temporarily visit the other extreme.

Not to stay there. Not to become unkind. But to recalibrate your nervous system.

And don’t worry — if you are genuinely kind, the dark side will never feel like home.

If it does feel like home, then it’s worth questioning whether people pleasing was ever kindness to begin with — or a way to manipulate safety, approval, or control.

So there’s that.

A Mini Guide: 5 Steps to Integrate Your Dark Side (Without Losing Your Softness)

1. Become Visibly Bolder

My shadow gave me permission to take up space — visually and energetically.

I played with:

• colors

• hairstyles

• clothing

• presence

I stopped dressing to be palatable and started dressing to feel like myself.

2. Reclaim Playfulness & Feminine Energy

People pleasing often pushes you into constant survival mode.

Integrating my shadow helped me soften again — not into submission, but into embodiment:

• pleasure

• creativity

• sensuality

• rest

Not to perform femininity, but to live it.

3. Practice the Courage to Be Disliked

This was the hardest — and most freeing — step.

I speak now. I interrupt injustice. I stand up for myself.

Some people don’t like me anymore.

I survived.

4. Feel Anger Without Suppressing It

Anger isn’t dangerous. Suppression is.

I let myself feel:

• anger

• resentment

• grief

• even hate

Without acting it out destructively. Without shaming myself for being human.

5. Surrender Into Softness Without Guilt

This is where integration completes itself.

Rest — without earning it. Softness — without proving worth. Stillness — without justification.

No productivity theater. No healing performance.

Just being.

Where I Live Now: The Middle

I no longer live on the doormat side.I don’t live on the dark side either.

I live in the middle.

Where kindness has boundaries. Where softness has teeth. Where empathy includes myself. Where “no” doesn’t require explanation.

And where being disliked no longer feels like danger —but discernment.

If you’re a people pleaser reading this, let me say it clearly:

You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to disappoint people. You are allowed to choose yourself — imperfectly, loudly, gently.

Freedom doesn’t come from being liked.

It comes from being whole.

With love & compassion,

Eny | The Pain Alchemist