One Thing My Inner Child Was Desperately Screaming For (And How I Finally Gave It to Her)

There was a time when I was constantly in fight, flight, or freeze. Not because I wanted to be. But because life had taught me that danger could show up in any room, at any time, with anyone.

I smiled. I performed. I excelled. But deep down… there was a little girl screaming for one thing.

Safety.

Not love. Not approval. Not even success.

But the simple, sacred feeling of “I’m safe here.”

✧ Where It All Began

I was born in Angola to the most loving, wise, funny, and deeply caring woman — my mother. She made love feel like home. She was the kind of mother who’d give me money every morning to go to school — not because we had plenty, but because she believed in comfort, joy, and giving even when it costs you.

The only problem? I hated school. They used to beat children who couldn’t read, write, or do math properly — and guess who couldn’t do any of the above well? Exactly.

So I’d take the money, dress for school, walk out with the other kids…and then — disappear.

Straight to the beach.

I’d take long walks along the shore, completely alone, barefoot in the sand. Sometimes, I helped the fishermen pull their nets from the ocean (well… “helped” is a big word — I was probably more in the way than anything). I watched fish leap in silver flashes, waves crash like applause, and once — I even witnessed the largest turtle ever found in Angola being caught in a net. It was wild. Sacred. Magical.

I spent my lunch money on bolachas — those sweet cookies — and when school was over, I joined the kids walking home like nothing happened. I knew I might get shouted at or even get some chanclas, but it wasn’t often. And even when my mom was upset, it never lasted. She loved me too deeply to stay angry long.

And now, as a mother myself…I realize something profound: I became her. That same kind of loving, soft, warm mother who just wants her baby to be okay.

But the story didn’t stay on those warm shores.

✧ The Cold Shift

In 1998 at the age of 10, I moved to Germany — to Northeim — to live with my father and aunt. They were young, just starting out in life. My aunt had three little children of her own, and judging by the way she treated me… she wasn’t very happy about my presence.

And I felt it. In the coldness. The silence. The emotional neglect.

It was like going from sunlight to snow overnight. I was no longer the little girl who was met with love and laughter —I was now the one who had to cook, clean, babysit…the one who had to earn her place.

So I became what many of us become:The good girl. The achiever. The hyper-independent one. I took care of myself, so I wouldn’t be seen as a burden. I got good grades, so I wouldn’t be punished. I stayed quiet, so I wouldn’t trigger anyone’s discomfort.

But inside, that little girl in me never stopped whispering:

“Can someone please notice me?” “Can someone hold me without expecting anything back?” “Can I just rest for a moment… without being punished for it?”

✧ The Illusion of Control

For years, I believed success would heal me. If I could make enough money, gain enough respect, or become spiritually enlightened enough — then I would finally feel safe.

But control is not safety. People-pleasing is not love. Perfection is not peace.

Safety is something deeper. It’s a vibration. A remembering. A homecoming.

✧ How I Gave It Back to Her

The moment things shifted was quiet. It wasn’t in a fancy healing retreat. It wasn’t when I hit a business milestone.

It was in a moment alone —hand on heart, tears streaming down, and the softest whisper back to my inner child:

“You don’t have to earn love anymore.” “You don’t have to be strong today.” “I will protect you now. I’m the adult you’ve been waiting for.”

And I meant it. From that day forward, I started showing up for her.

• I let her rest without guilt.

• I make her laugh with music and dancing.

• I let her play, cry, and rage.

• I created boundaries she never had.

• I make softness my standard — not just my reward.

✧ And You?

If your inner child is still screaming for safety, know this:

You don’t need a perfect childhood to give yourself a beautiful adulthood. You don’t need others to understand the pain to begin healing it.

What she needs is YOU. Present. Gentle. Honest. And willing to listen.

Because when you become your own safe space, you stop begging others to be that for you.

✧ Journal Prompt for You:

“What is one thing my inner child never received… that I can begin giving her today?”

You don’t have to fix yourself. You just have to come home to yourself.

With love,

Eny |The Pain Alchemist