How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Like a Bad Person

Eny | The Pain Alchemist
Aug 17
2 min read

I used to think “setting boundaries” was something cold people did. You know — the type who say no without blinking, never overexplaining, and somehow sleep fine at night.

Meanwhile, I’d be lying awake, replaying every conversation, wondering if I hurt someone’s feelings simply by protecting my own energy.

For a long time, I equated boundaries with rejection. I thought:

“If I say no, they’ll think I’m selfish.”
“If I speak up, I’ll ruin the vibe.”
“If I put myself first, I’ll be just like the people who hurt me.”

But here’s the truth: Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re doors. And you get to decide who, what, and how often someone gets to come through.

Why We Feel Like a “Bad Person” for Having Boundaries

If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional, you were probably praised for being easy, adaptable, and low-maintenance.

In other words: the good girl, the fixer, the peacemaker.

Your worth became tied to your ability to make others comfortable. So the moment you do something that risks their discomfort — like saying “No, I can’t help you this weekend” — your nervous system sounds the alarm:

⚠️ Warning: you are in danger of losing love.

But here’s what no one told you: You can be a deeply good person and have limits. You can love people and not let them drain you. You can be kind without being available to everyone, all the time.

3 Ways to Set Boundaries Without the Guilt Hangover

1. Lead With Clarity, Not Apology

Instead of: “I’m so sorry, but I can’t…”Try: “I won’t be able to, but I hope it goes well for you.”You don’t owe the world a thesis on why you can’t do something. Clarity is kindness — for you and for them.

2. Anchor in Your “Why”

When guilt creeps in, remind yourself: My boundary protects my mental health, my energy, and my relationships. A boundary isn’t a punishment — it’s a maintenance plan.

3. Practice Micro-Boundaries

If big boundaries feel too heavy right now, start with tiny ones:

Let a call go to voicemail when you’re not in the headspace to talk.
Take a social media break without announcing it.
Say “I need to think about it” before committing.

Small acts of self-respect add up until boundaries feel natural — not like an act of rebellion.

You’re Not Bad. You’re Becoming

woman at the beach writing and journaling

The people who love you in a healthy way will adapt to your boundaries. The ones who only loved you for your compliance will not. And that’s okay.

Setting boundaries doesn’t make you less loving. It makes your love sustainable.

You don’t have to burn yourself out to be good. You don’t have to explain yourself into exhaustion to be understood. You don’t have to choose between your needs and your relationships.

You can be kind, warm, generous…And still say: This is where I end, and you begin.

If this resonated with you, download my free journaling guide The Introspectionista — designed to help you create boundaries that feel safe, not scary. Please scroll down on the Home page to find the workbook section.