Unaliving the Good Girl in Me: How I am Integrating My Dark Side as an Empath

For most of my life, I wore the mask of the good girl. She smiled when she wanted to cry. She said yes when her whole body screamed no. She carried everyone’s burdens because “that’s what strong women do.”

But here’s the truth: the good girl was never me. She was a survival strategy. And now? She had to die so I could finally live.

The Birth of the “Good Girl”

I became the good girl when I was 10 years old, moving from Angola to Germany. My mother’s love and warmth were suddenly gone, and I was dropped into a house where hugs didn’t exist, kindness was rationed, and I had to earn my place by cooking, cleaning, and babysitting.

At that age, I learned something dangerous: If I am quiet, obedient, and helpful, I am tolerated. If I take up space, I am punished.

So I became the girl who brought home good grades, signed herself up for church and activities, and handled life alone. My aunt and uncle never came to my graduations. They barely knew what I was studying.

The good girl kept me safe. But she also kept me invisible.

Why She Had to Die

Fast-forward to adulthood. I was still living with her. She was there when I said yes to jobs that drained me. She was there when I swallowed my anger instead of setting boundaries. She was there when I kept overgiving in relationships with men who had nothing to pour back into me.

I used to think my empathy was my superpower. But in reality, it was being weaponized against me — because the good girl had no boundaries.

When I finally hit my breaking point, anger poured out of me. For weeks, I walked around furious, sharp-tongued, ready to burn it all down. And then… it shifted.

Now, I find myself laughing like a maniac in the middle of the day. Sometimes, I fantasize about teasing men I’m not even remotely interested in. At first, I thought: Am I turning evil?

But no. What I’m feeling isn’t evil. It’s power. It’s play. It’s the parts of me I had buried — rising up for air.

Meeting My Dark Side

Here’s what I’ve learned: dark doesn’t mean destructive. Dark means depth.

• My shadow self is the one who says no without explaining.

• My sensual self is the one who dances in front of the mirror, laughing at her own reflection.

• My powerful self is the one who no longer gives a damn about being liked.

I am not becoming someone new. I am becoming who I would have been if I had been allowed to say no.

And as an empath, this balance is crucial. Because empaths without shadows become martyrs. But empaths who embrace their dark side become alchemists.

What This Means for Me (And Maybe You Too)

I no longer smile out of politeness when I don’t feel it.I no longer let men drain my energy just because I

“can handle it.”I no longer keep giving when I’m empty, hoping someone will finally notice my worth.

I’m learning to flirt with life itself — not just with men. I’m learning that my laughter, my playfulness, my mischievous side are not signs of being “bad.” They are signs that I am free.

The good girl in me is gone. I buried her with love, because she kept me alive when I needed her. But now, the whole woman gets to rise.

Mantra for Integration

“I bury the good girl so the whole woman can rise.I am not light or dark — I am both. And that balance makes me unshakable.”

Final Thoughts

If you’re an empath who has lived your whole life as the good girl, maybe it’s time to ask yourself:

• Where am I still shrinking to be loved?

• Where am I still giving when my body is screaming enough?

• Where is my dark side begging to be integrated?

Your dark side isn’t evil. It’s sacred. It’s the missing piece that makes your light sustainable.

The good girl must die. The whole woman must rise.

 You reached the end of this blog post — hi, I’m Engracia, also known as Eny the Pain Alchemist.I write raw, human stories about healing, shadow work, and turning pain into power.

I’d love to hear from you — leave your thoughts or feedback in the comments below.

And if this resonated, follow me on Instagram & TikTok [@EnyThePainAlchemist] for daily doses of truth and transformation.

Liefs,

Eny