You Are Not Broken — You Were Just Never Held.

Introduction

There’s a difference between being broken and being unseen. Between being damaged and being unheld.

I used to think I was too sensitive. Too needy. Too dramatic. But the truth is — I was just never held the way I needed. And now, at 37, I’m finally learning to hold myself.

This is for the little girl in you who never got the tenderness she deserved. This is for the woman who still thinks she has to earn her softness.

When Love Was Conditional

I was born in Angola to a warm, wise, incredibly funny woman — my mama.She had this way of loving me that made everything feel safe. She’d even give me money just to make school more bearable, because she knew I hated it.

I wasn’t good at reading, math, or anything the teachers punished kids for. So I’d dress like I was going to school, then sneak off to the beach instead. I'd help fishermen pull in their nets, watch the fish jump, and once — I witnessed the biggest turtle ever caught in Angola.

I spent those days barefoot and free, eating bolacha cookies with the coins Mama gave me, knowing I might get a scolding or a chancla later… but also knowing that her love wasn’t going anywhere.

And then it was gone.

In 1998, I left Angola for Germany. The love I had known was replaced by coldness and emotional distance. My aunt and uncle were young, overwhelmed, and made it clear that I was more burden than blessing.

I learned quickly: be quiet, be helpful, be invisible. And so I became the “good girl.”The overachiever. The caretaker. The one who didn’t need much.

The Wound Beneath the Smile

For years, I thought I had moved on.I was strong. Independent. “Put-together.”

But the truth is, I was just unfelt. Unnurtured.I chased emotionally unavailable partners who mirrored my childhood.I abandoned myself to be chosen.I mistook survival for strength.

I wasn’t broken.I was unheld. And no one had taught me how to hold myself.

How Being Unheld Shows Up Later

You don’t learn to ask for help — because you’re afraid you’ll be a burden. You don’t trust safe love — because chaos feels more familiar. You overperform — because your worth was never witnessed in stillness.

It shows up in overexplaining. In over-giving. In silencing your needs before anyone else even has the chance.

Healing Means Learning to Hold Yourself First

Healing didn’t come from reading another book or burning another candle. It came from sitting with the ache. It came from re-parenting my younger self — not to change her, but to finally see her.

Now, I:

• Hold myself on hard days, without judgment

• Speak to myself with tenderness

• Don’t shame the girl who once begged to be loved — I thank her for trying

What I Want You to Know

You were never too needy. You were never too loud. You were never too much.

You just weren’t held. But you can be now — by you.

💌 A Letter to the Girl I Was

Sweet girl,I see you sitting alone on that beach.Trying to find magic in fishnets and sea foam.Trying to feel like you belong somewhere.

You do. You always did.

You just hadn’t been held in the way your soul craved.

But I hold you now.And I’ll never put you down again.

With softness,

Your 37-year-old self

Eny, The Pain Alchemist